Road-trip to the Abyss
I live in a place which is just flat land with not much of a view. I am on my own in a studio hut in the middle of nowhere, with no neighbours. My hut has big glass windows, and the interiors are neutral with no decorations. I get up every day, make my bed, and get in the boring car I own. I drive down the only road in Flatland - I never remember where I am going, but since there is only one road, I just drive down that road as I don’t know what else to do.
Along the way, sometimes the weather is crap, and the world looks grey and moody. A lot of the time, it rains and I feel like my head is going to explode from anger, shame, fear, regret and self-hatred. I see people who have talked down to me or upset me lined up along the side of the road, laughing or jeering at me as I drive by. They look like trolls. I don’t know if they are actually unattractive or if it’s my opinion of them that makes me think they are unattractive. These people are nameless and yet I have encountered them all my life. Most of these people aren’t jeering at me in particular - they might not even be looking at me. Some of them are talking to each other or speaking at podiums to no one or to a crowd, but I can hear them say things that make me feel small and insignificant. That is bad enough for me. Sometimes I see people I care for, like my family and some close friends. They knock on my door asking to be let in, but I ignore them. Sometimes I wind down the window and scream at them. I hate them too at that point, and despite my indifference to my car, I think they don’t deserve to join me in it. I have a strong desire to drive my car into all of them, revving backwards and forwards until they are unrecognisable smears on the ground. Sadly, there are no vultures in Flatland. I drive recklessly through the bad weather as fast as I can in the hopes of crashing and taking some of those awful people with me, but I still don’t actively hurt them or hurt myself. I hate everyone outside, and I realised today that I also hate myself. I could ignore them or run them all over, but somehow I don’t take action, and that is pathetic. I would really like to act on something - either hurt them or hurt myself or ignore them, but I can’t seem to understand how.
Sometimes, the sun comes out and the clouds clear, and I can see colour, trees and mountains in the distance. I see happy things like babies, animals, and memories of family and friends who mean a lot to me. Sometimes there are people celebrating things, and I don’t feel a desire to join them, but my spirit feels lighter. When it’s nice weather though, I drive slow. Sometimes I wind down the window to get a better look at the pleasant things I see. Sometimes I call out to them and we have a brief and happy interaction. The happy feelings brighten the insides of the car, and sometimes I have the energy to get the radio to work and play happy music. Sadly, the connection always falls apart when we get into bad weather areas.
Most of the time, however, the weather gods do nothing. The sun is sort of out, but also not. The clouds are sort of there, but not really. I don’t see the blue of the sky, and everything outside looks brown and dusty and empty. It just feels like nothing and I don’t know why I bother driving. Sometimes I see Yuka hitchhiking here (usually on Mondays or Tuesdays), and I stop to pick her up. She joins me in the car with a bag filled with good and bad things. As I drive, we look over these things together and talk about them. Sometimes, I pull out my bag from the boot, and share the good and bad things in there with her. I find it hard to reach for that bag. With some of the bad things, we chuck out the window, but with the others, we put it back in the bag to maybe review on our own or with each other another day. Usually along the drive, we feel unhappiness as we talk, but every time I pick her up, it ends with the sun shining and a circus going on outside. I feel like I am allowed to step out of the car to take a closer look. But at some point, I always get back in the car again.
Along the road, throughout the day, the crap weather and the nice weather are unpredictable and just happen without warning. What I feel swings from absolutely nothing to a blind rage to delirious joy. I feel exhausted but I just keep driving because I feel like there is no other option.
The route is a different length every single day. Sometimes I get to my destination earlier, and I always arrive alone. It is a roadside attraction, like those natural landmarks we see in nature reserves on road trips. The Abyss of Despair has only this one road leading to and from it. I find myself arriving there earlier on some days, and some days I turn back before I even see it. Every time I arrive, I sit in my car in the parking lot/snack area. I’m not sure why I am here, but I don’t see anywhere else to go. I sometimes feel like going out to the Abyss and stepping in so I don’t have to drive back there again, but I honestly just lack the motivation to even touch the door handle to get the door open. On these days, it feels like my only purpose in life is to drive to the Abyss every day, and that I am good for nothing else. I am also frustrated with myself for not knowing what to do to get out of Flatland. Some days (usually Mondays or Tuesdays) if I didn’t see her hitchhiking, I see Yuka pull up in the parking lot next to me. At that point we get out, take our seats at the damp picnic bench, and talk about the things in our bags. Every time we feel the sun coming out, we get back in our cars and drive home while the sun is still up. But on days when I see no one, I can sit in the car a long time. Sometimes the whole day.
At some point though, I will always end up driving home. Sometimes, it is because I hear music and see lights of a funfair in my rearview mirror and want to go see what is happening. Sometimes it’s just because I see the sun setting in the horizon to the side of the Abyss, and I feel like there is something else to look forward to because if it sets, it will rise. Sometimes, it is because I just know I have to try to get 7 hours of sleep again because I have some errands to run the next day that might allow me to get away from driving to the Abyss. Sometimes, the clouds clear and I see stars and a bright moon, and that is nice enough to look at as I drive home.
When I get home, most nights I go to bed feeling like tomorrow is going to be better. Some nights, I feel nothing and just go through my routine to get ready to sleep. No matter how I get to sleep or how much I sleep, I find that when I wake up, I always forget that the Abyss is there and that I might end up there again. The last time I notice it is when I look back at it from my rearview mirror as I drive away, and I make a mental note to write down what I think about this whole experience, but I always forget to.
Until today I suppose.